I don't know why...

Hello again world, it's been a while.  Life has been too distracting for me I suppose and this blog has been neglected.  No promises that it won't happen again.

I'm sitting in bed pondering all sorts of thoughts on this summer night.  Because of my job I hear terribly sad things on a daily basis. Most of the time I can push them aside but every once in a while some stick a little longer.  Tonight is one of those nights.

After processing some very sad news about dear friends, a client asked me through tears "why do so many people make bad choices?" As a trained therapist my mind quickly filled up with all sorts of professional answers to rattle off. But as I sat and looked into her sorrowful eyes all I could find myself thinking was "I don't know." Numerous thoughts of recent sad news and my client's traumas quickly flashed through my mind. And then I thought out loud, "I don't know." I think she was a little surprised by my answer as she took a pause from her soft crying. Often my client's come to therapy looking for answers to make sense of the trauma or sorrow in their life.  And I do my best to help them with that. After giving my client a moment longer in her tears we continued on in processing and my training kicked into gear as we focused on ways of coping and dealing with emotions.  The conversation moved on and I put it in the back of my mind for the time being.

Fast forward a couple days later and I am wide awake wondering the same thing again. "Why do so many people make so many sad and poor choices?" Just as I mentioned earlier, I could rattle off a lot of theories and explanations. But I find myself concluding in my thoughts "I don't want to know why." At least not completely. At least not about everything. I firmly believe that we can learn a lot from our mistakes and poor choices. I believe we can learn a lot from others' poor choices. I think that is what life is all about. But there are some things that I hear like family members being decapitated simply because they were distant family to someone in the drug cartel; parents who abuse their children for years in the most horrific ways and degrade them; or killing numerous people in mass shootings; and I decide I don't want to know what was going on in the heads of those individuals that did those things. I don't want it to make sense because it should not make sense.  Acts of cruelty and violence are not something I ever want to be okay with.  I honestly believe that if it ever does start to make sense that I should be concerned and I should find help. Some may say that is a naive response or very ignorant. Call it what you may.  I'm okay with that.  But for now I will just settle with "I don't know why and I hope I never know why." I hope that I never see the world or people in such a dark and twisted way.

Rebellious

Do you ever have days where you know what you should do or how you should behave and yet you just don't do it? That is how I feel right now.

Proposal

Well Friday started bright and early when I woke up at 5am to get ready and go to work early. I wanted to get in full 8 hours and still be able to leave early to drive up to Logan. I arrived at Matt's place 30 minutes later than planned. When I got to Matt’s place he was at a neighbor’s house and I had to call him. He finally came out and jumped in his truck and said “you’re late. Come on jump in the truck we got to go to Byron’s to feed the animals.” It all seemed normal to me. Matt’s been helping his uncle feed the animals for a couple of weeks now because Byron had surgery.

So we get to Byron’s and we have some feed and a salt lick for him for his birthday on Sunday that we carry inside to show Byron. He welcomes us in and starts showing us all the new decorations he has put up since I was last there. After chatting for a little bit Matt reminded me that we still had to feed and asked me to carry the salt lick out to the barn. It was heavy (like 50lbs). So I’m carrying it out to the barn and laughing because it is so awkward to carry it was making me waddle. I stated that I felt like a pregnant women and laughed. Matt was smiling really big and I just thought he thought my joke was funny. 

We get to the barn door and I look at Matt like “ aren't you going to open it.” He just nods towards the door and says “well put the salt lick down and open the door.” I did but kind of thought, “Rude, you’re the guy, you put your feed down and open it.” Anyways I open the barn door and through the corner of my eye red flashes across my vision. I double take into the barn and see a hay bundle arranged as a table and on top was a vase full of a bouquet of roses and surrounded by 4 smaller vases filled with roses and a gift.  Matt shouts “Happy Valentine’s! You thought I forgot!” I look at him and he has the biggest smile on his face – the smile that makes his eyes crinkle on the sides. I love that smile. At this point I am still not sure if it is a proposal or just Valentine’s thing only.  I’m totally shocked and surprised that he actually bought flowers. Matt hates buying flowers because they die. He thinks it’s a waste of money. I am feeling pretty happy though.  Matt gave me a big hug and said “You’re shaking.” I wasn't but could feel his heart pounding and feel him shaking. I simply stated back, “No, I think that is actually you shaking babe.”

Matt than pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. He hands it to me and tells me that he has written me a letter. I started reading it to myself and he gets all anxious and exclaims “you have to read it out loud! I worked really hard on this!”  So I start over and read it out loud with him sitting next to me with his arm around me. It was the most beautiful letter I could have received from him. Granted I am biased because I am in love with him, but the letter was so sincere and well written that I couldn't have asked for anything better.  (I am a sucker for these things. I read way too many Jane Austin books). It made me laugh & cry & simply feel so great. When I finished Matt hugged me and asked me if I was going to open my present. I told him that I wanted to take a picture of it first. So I stood up and took a picture of it and when I turned around Matt was kneeling behind me with the ring in the box. He of course asked me the one question I have been waiting impatiently for, and I of course answered yes through my mixture of tears and giggles.

 I still had my present to open to and even the wrapping made me smile. He had chosen my favorite shade of green ribbon and tissue paper. The boy seriously did everything perfect to the smallest detail. I opened it up to find a Willow Tree figurine of an angel. I LOVE Willow Tree! It was titled “Angel of Caring” and Matt told me that is how he saw me –as an angel who cared, listened, and had an open heart.  I couldn't even try to keep the tears from falling and all I could do was throw my arms around his neck and hold him.  The feeling through all of this was pure happiness but mostly a strong sense of peace.  It felt right.

As one would expect, I was pretty much in a daze for the next hour. We were going to dinner but didn't have to leave for about an hour so we went inside to talk to Byron for a little bit. I couldn't stop smiling and just kept smelling my roses. Matt thought it was funny. I think my overwhelming happiness may have been overwhelming for him. He doesn't show emotions like I do and I don’t think he knew what to do with me.  Don’t think he wasn't happy though. He was. But he told me that he had been nothing but nerves for the last few days and so for him it was a big relief to finally have asked. He looked exhausted and when we went to dinner he didn't have much an appetite. Hahaha. 

Here are some pics from the proposal. 

 Brought the flowers inside with us. 

 Matt hates pics but he still took one for me.

 The Ring - LOVE

"Angel of Caring"

So now I am engaged to my best friend and I can't wait for our next chapter to start together!

The person I want to become.

Yesterday in my marriage & family class we were doing some exercises from Gottman’s marriage counseling techniques. It required a lot of personal exploration and writing. Honestly it made me think about myself deeper than I have in a while.  There were a few different questions we had to ponder over that really stood out to me. I’ll elaborate on just a few for time sake. 

We had to write our own obituary and what we want our legacy to be. Then we had to write what kind of person we want to become, and why we are not that person yet, and what obstacles or demons we fight with, etc. In pondering, I realized that the person I am today is not at all the person I want to be or the legacy I want to leave behind. I have a lot of work to do. I wrote that I want to leave a legacy of continuously hardworking & caring. I don’t think I am there. I also wrote that I want to become the person that does not get caught up in the petty things of life or the material needs of life. I want to be the person that is gracious at all times and in all things and in all places regardless of how I am treated. I want to be the person that is solid and strong in the gospel. The person that people can come to for anything because they know that they are safe from persecution and judgment. I want to be the person that does not get blinded by pride or jealousy or resentment. The person that is always striving to learn something. 

I want to be that person and I am SO far from being that person. Looking at where I am today I feel like I have mountains to climb to get there.

I also had to write a mission statement for my life and I wrote that my mission is to live every day just a little bit better than the day before. I felt like that was realistic. If I improve myself just a little bit every day in some form whether it is through school, gospel, family, work, or service, I will be one step closer to becoming that person I want to be.  I have screwed up a lot in my life. Heck I have screwed up a lot in this last year. But it does not mean I have to stay at where I am now.  I can change. I can be a little bit better than I was yesterday. I think I will still struggle but I can keep on working it as long as I remember it. I guess I’ll have to print off my life mission statement and put it somewhere I can see it every day as a continual reminder.

I went to class expecting to learn how to help couples with struggling marriages and I did. More importantly and surprisingly, I gained insight about myself. I am thankful that I am given these opportunities to learn where and how I can improve. 

Tough Insight

Do you ever have those insightful days about yourself that are kind of hard to take? 

It's one of those days for me. 

Welcome 24

So I had another birthday. I am another year older and I would like to think a little wiser too. I am not announcing this to draw attention to myself or make the few people who follow my blog feel bad if they forgot. I share it because I think its a good time to reflect on my life.

My year as twenty-three was an interesting year for me. I feel like it started off rocky for me. In fact I remember feeling lost & confused on my birthday last year. I was still trying to figure out Grad School and still trying to figure out what my heart really wanted. Then once I figured out what my heart really wanted I couldn't figure out how to get it. It was a slow process but eventually I began to figure it out, and in turn I have learned a lot about myself as a person.

• I have learned that I hate research.
• I have learned that I love to learn but am done with school.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that I love working in a field that I serve people. It's emotionally draining at times but rewarding & fulfilling. 
• I have learned/reaffirmed that the Lord guides us in career pathways if we look for it. 
• I have learned/reaffirmed that I ache for the clients I work with and the struggles they go through.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that my life has been richly blessed.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that Heavenly Father protected me from a lot of sadness.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that my family will always be the most important thing to me in my life. 
• I have learned that my heart is full of so much love for a boy. 
• I have learned that I want to support that boy's dreams & goals as much as my own.
• I have learned that family dynamics are very different for every family & that the initial introducing & phasing in to a new one is a little more complicated than I thought. 
• I have learned that I love Cache Valley.
• I have learned that I have a pride issue and that I can let it get the best of me at times.
• I have learned that I am much more emotional than I thought I was.
• I have learned that I still need to learn a lot about patience.
• I have learned that I still need to learn a lot about charity.
• I have learned that I still have a lot more to learn in life. 

The year started off rocky but it became an emotionally rich & rewarding year. Twenty-three brought me some of the saddest moments I have ever felt/had so far and some of the happiest moments I have ever felt/had so far. I am sure that every year in life I will be able to say that though.  I hope that I remember all those things that I learned and build off of them.

There are a few events that I expect to happen while I am 24 - events that I look eagerly and almost impatiently for. But honestly I do not know what new life experiences will be given to me. I just hope that no matter the experiences given or thrown at me in the next year that I can learn something positive from it.

So welcome 24... I hope you make me a better person.

My Last First Day of School

Today the 2012-2013 school year began...I started my new internship today and my first day of classes are tomorrow. It will be my last first day of school for myself. It is a little weird to think about. Its something that makes me really excited to think that after this year I will never have to go back to school again - but it also just doesn't seem real.  It shouldn't seem that weird to me because I worked for a year in between college and graduate school. But that's just it. I knew I was going back to school eventually and was just taking a break. After this year I won't just be taking a break. I will be done - forever. Weird.

I still feel like a child in some ways. I still feel like I have so much to learn. I still feel like school is the way of life that I'm comfortable with. I am good at school. Its my thing. Give me a bunch of reading to do, papers to write, & tests to take. Piece of cake. Easy Cheesy. I always pull through. But life....well life just looks so big and intimidating. I did my internship at the State Prison and I loved it. I have mentioned it before in previous blogs. That was a real job basically. I did everything the full time staff does except with fewer clients. I did well. But in my head the entire time I knew that I was going back to school. Next time there won't be that thought. How odd.

I am excited for what this last school year brings and more importantly for what life after this school year brings. I believe it will be challenging but so rewarding. It will just take me sometime to fully wrap my mind around the concept. But I know it will be good and that I can succeed in whatever comes.

And so here is to tomorrow. ....... Fist pump in the air!!!!! I'm going to rock my last first day of school!!!!!!!