Not So Ideal

I've recently realized something and thought that I would share it. I am not the ideal graduate student. I'm okay with it too. I don't like research all that much; its rather boring. I don't like doing homework until all hours. I don't particularly enjoy having to spend all my time in the library. And I don't have an urging desire to publish my research paper.

It's a good thing I like to learn at least. And I think the end results will be worth it.

Thank goodness my program is only 2 years.

Not So Simple

My friend just pointed out to me that my blog title says Carolina's Simple Thoughts and that my thoughts aren't exactly that simple. They're kind of complicated. I think that's my problem though. I take simple thoughts and concepts and over think them until they are complicated thoughts. At one point they were simple.

Hello Reality

Okay so I know this blog seems to have turned into release of my thoughts on my relationship life. But I just feel a need to share my thoughts with someone but no one in particular at the same time. I just need to let my thoughts out somehow otherwise they'll keep circulating through my mind until I can't handle it anymore.

I've realized something about myself lately. It's come about because of my relationship with my boy in Logan. I'm not as secure a person as I thought I was. I thought I was pretty level headed and not super emotional but turns out I've been lying to myself for years. I've been keeping people at a distance for so long that I made myself really believe I was fine. I'm not though. Things scare me. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of really opening up. I stress out when I don't know what someone is thinking. I don't like it when someone is mad at me. It makes me physically sick. It stresses me out worrying that if I let myself really be I might not be wanted. I don't want to stress out. I want to be fine.

I'll share something. I'll probably regret sharing it later. It's what I do. I say things and do things and regret it later cause it reveals too much about me. Too much about my weaknesses. I pretend too much. Things hurt me and I pretend I'm okay. I pretend I'm stronger than I really am. It's like I'm really trying to make myself believe it. You know, fake it till you make it. And some times it works. Lots of times it doesn't. I do it a lot with my mother. I pretend that I'm okay with my relationship with her. I pretend that her emotional & mental instability doesn't hurt me. It does. I think that's where I started this whole pretending business. I think its why I'm so insecure in relationships. I don't know.

I'm rambling now and don't care. Things are going different with my boy in Logan. You see I keep trying to stop myself from falling for him. But instead I'm finding myself fall deeper & deeper. Which shouldn't be a problem right? Except for the minor detail that he's not falling with me. He found a ledge on the way down and is taking a break. Figuring things out I guess. I understand. I really do. But its unnerving to realize that I'm in this relationship much deeper. It really unnerves me that I might want it more than he does. These things happen all the time in dating. You move on if it doesn't work out. And if it does, bliss. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It's tough.

I'm not depressed now. And I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. I just can't sleep and need to empty my thoughts somewhere. Life will be okay no matter what happens. I know it with all my heart. But this time I'm not going to pretend I'm not struggling. Because I am. I really am.

Confused

Sometimes life confuses me.

I'm not sure what to do next.

Daydreaming

I've been daydreaming about something a lot lately. Probably too much for my own good. It's not unrealistic. In fact there is a high possibility and very good chance it will happen. Not positive. I think that I would be quite happy if it did happen. Quite happy indeed. But it will be a long time away. Long time. Sometimes that happens you know. Things delay us. And trying to see the final results or ending can get fuzzy. Real fuzzy. Confusing too. And sometimes those same things look really good. So good and welcoming that I think that I will just keep on daydreaming.

Life is good.

Life is good. It's tough, but good.

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of adversity and anxiety. I think I am to blame for some of it. I tend to over think things & worry about things too much. Especially if I don't have control of the situation. Every once and a while I get in these bummed out moods and I just feel overwhelmed with despair. It hits me randomly and hard. And I usually push it aside and just try to get through my daily functions. Not good.

But then I realized or rather remembered something important. I have a good life. An amazing life actually. I'm incredibly blessed. And when I get in those sad moods its because I'm not focusing on the right thing. I'm focusing too much on myself and what I want & what I need, or what I think I need. I loose focus of others. Once I start to focus on others and help them instead I feel my mood pick up. I've been taught this principle all my life. Loose yourself and serve others. It's so simple. And yet I forget it so often. Only after I stop focusing & dwelling so much on myself and instead help someone else, does all my anxiety go away.

And so I am reminded that life is good.

September Bliss

I LOVE this month! I love SEPTEMBER!!

This morning was just normal routine for me and then I realized it was the first day of September. Yay! It's my favorite month of the year.

Why? Let me tell you.

1st - Obviously the fact that my birthday is this month has a strong bias.
2nd- School is in session again (I enjoy school).
3rd - It marks the beginning of Fall & the leaves begin to change color slowly.
4th - College football is back.
5th- Crisp Air starts to settle in & reintroduces all the lovely sweaters to my wardrobe.
6th - Nice temperatures to go running.


Those pretty much cover it. I think they're good enough reasons to love September. And though I may sound crazy, I believe something in the air changes in September. Almost in a calming sort of way. Like the earth is saying to me "just relax Carolina."

So there you have it. I love this month! It's my favorite time of year!
I wish everyone a happy & blissful September.