Love

I was reading NieNie's Blog and this quote really caught my attention. I love it and so I'm stealing it and putting it on my blog.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Louis De Bernieres

I want to love like this someday.

Things are Good....

Well things are pretty good right now and I am really happy. School is good. Work is good. Family is good. And things with this guy are GREAT!

This is my Logan boy. Turns out I like him kind of a LOT.

We went to Temple Square to look at the Christmas Lights. We both agreed that there are not near as many lighted trees as there once was. But I still love going.

The best part was probably just being with him. Mushy I know. But I like him. Can't help it really, I just do.

My Family

My familiy is pretty unique. We're definitely not the standard Mormon cookie-cutter family. And even though some family members stress me out beyond belief sometimes....I like them. I enjoy being with my family. They make me happy.

This last weekend I flew down to Las Vegas to have a girls weekend with my sisters and stepmother. Turns out they're pretty amazing women. Okay I actually knew that fact before this weekend. But I was reminded how amazing they truly are. I'm proud to be their sister and daughter. It was nice to take a break from my school work to just play and do girl stuff & talk girl chat. I've decided that it's very healthy for girls to just take a break from men and get together every once in awhile. Girls just understand each other on a different level.

I also got to see my Dad and brothers for a short time. I've been missing my dad a lot lately so to finally see him and get that much needed hug from him was so rewarding. There's something about a hug from your dad that makes everything seem okay. That even though he can't take your troubles or stress away, he can hold you in his arms and give you a sense of security. That's what I feel when my dad hugs me. I love his hugs. I love that even though I'm an adult and on my own, I can still cuddle up next to my dad on the couch like a little girl. I love that I'm still his cutie. And I love that I know he loves me without even having to say those words. I'm pretty lucky to have him as my dad.

The weekend with my family was short. Very short. And very little sleep was received. But it was so worth it. Because I got to be with some of my most favorite peopole. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me and supports me so much.

Not So Ideal

I've recently realized something and thought that I would share it. I am not the ideal graduate student. I'm okay with it too. I don't like research all that much; its rather boring. I don't like doing homework until all hours. I don't particularly enjoy having to spend all my time in the library. And I don't have an urging desire to publish my research paper.

It's a good thing I like to learn at least. And I think the end results will be worth it.

Thank goodness my program is only 2 years.

Not So Simple

My friend just pointed out to me that my blog title says Carolina's Simple Thoughts and that my thoughts aren't exactly that simple. They're kind of complicated. I think that's my problem though. I take simple thoughts and concepts and over think them until they are complicated thoughts. At one point they were simple.

Hello Reality

Okay so I know this blog seems to have turned into release of my thoughts on my relationship life. But I just feel a need to share my thoughts with someone but no one in particular at the same time. I just need to let my thoughts out somehow otherwise they'll keep circulating through my mind until I can't handle it anymore.

I've realized something about myself lately. It's come about because of my relationship with my boy in Logan. I'm not as secure a person as I thought I was. I thought I was pretty level headed and not super emotional but turns out I've been lying to myself for years. I've been keeping people at a distance for so long that I made myself really believe I was fine. I'm not though. Things scare me. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of really opening up. I stress out when I don't know what someone is thinking. I don't like it when someone is mad at me. It makes me physically sick. It stresses me out worrying that if I let myself really be I might not be wanted. I don't want to stress out. I want to be fine.

I'll share something. I'll probably regret sharing it later. It's what I do. I say things and do things and regret it later cause it reveals too much about me. Too much about my weaknesses. I pretend too much. Things hurt me and I pretend I'm okay. I pretend I'm stronger than I really am. It's like I'm really trying to make myself believe it. You know, fake it till you make it. And some times it works. Lots of times it doesn't. I do it a lot with my mother. I pretend that I'm okay with my relationship with her. I pretend that her emotional & mental instability doesn't hurt me. It does. I think that's where I started this whole pretending business. I think its why I'm so insecure in relationships. I don't know.

I'm rambling now and don't care. Things are going different with my boy in Logan. You see I keep trying to stop myself from falling for him. But instead I'm finding myself fall deeper & deeper. Which shouldn't be a problem right? Except for the minor detail that he's not falling with me. He found a ledge on the way down and is taking a break. Figuring things out I guess. I understand. I really do. But its unnerving to realize that I'm in this relationship much deeper. It really unnerves me that I might want it more than he does. These things happen all the time in dating. You move on if it doesn't work out. And if it does, bliss. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It's tough.

I'm not depressed now. And I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. I just can't sleep and need to empty my thoughts somewhere. Life will be okay no matter what happens. I know it with all my heart. But this time I'm not going to pretend I'm not struggling. Because I am. I really am.

Confused

Sometimes life confuses me.

I'm not sure what to do next.