Daydreaming

I've been daydreaming about something a lot lately. Probably too much for my own good. It's not unrealistic. In fact there is a high possibility and very good chance it will happen. Not positive. I think that I would be quite happy if it did happen. Quite happy indeed. But it will be a long time away. Long time. Sometimes that happens you know. Things delay us. And trying to see the final results or ending can get fuzzy. Real fuzzy. Confusing too. And sometimes those same things look really good. So good and welcoming that I think that I will just keep on daydreaming.

Life is good.

Life is good. It's tough, but good.

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of adversity and anxiety. I think I am to blame for some of it. I tend to over think things & worry about things too much. Especially if I don't have control of the situation. Every once and a while I get in these bummed out moods and I just feel overwhelmed with despair. It hits me randomly and hard. And I usually push it aside and just try to get through my daily functions. Not good.

But then I realized or rather remembered something important. I have a good life. An amazing life actually. I'm incredibly blessed. And when I get in those sad moods its because I'm not focusing on the right thing. I'm focusing too much on myself and what I want & what I need, or what I think I need. I loose focus of others. Once I start to focus on others and help them instead I feel my mood pick up. I've been taught this principle all my life. Loose yourself and serve others. It's so simple. And yet I forget it so often. Only after I stop focusing & dwelling so much on myself and instead help someone else, does all my anxiety go away.

And so I am reminded that life is good.

September Bliss

I LOVE this month! I love SEPTEMBER!!

This morning was just normal routine for me and then I realized it was the first day of September. Yay! It's my favorite month of the year.

Why? Let me tell you.

1st - Obviously the fact that my birthday is this month has a strong bias.
2nd- School is in session again (I enjoy school).
3rd - It marks the beginning of Fall & the leaves begin to change color slowly.
4th - College football is back.
5th- Crisp Air starts to settle in & reintroduces all the lovely sweaters to my wardrobe.
6th - Nice temperatures to go running.


Those pretty much cover it. I think they're good enough reasons to love September. And though I may sound crazy, I believe something in the air changes in September. Almost in a calming sort of way. Like the earth is saying to me "just relax Carolina."

So there you have it. I love this month! It's my favorite time of year!
I wish everyone a happy & blissful September.

My Heart's Anxiety

I don't like being vulnerable. It makes me uncomfortable.

I'm in a relationship right now. I've never been this serious with anyone before. Turns out it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean he's great and I love being with him. But we have two very busy and separate lives. I'm starting my Master's program in Provo. He's going to school in Logan. Figuring things out and making things work is stressful.

Usually I don't let guys effect me so much. Usually I have control over my emotions. Usually I am super independent and could go days just doing my own thing and not care. Usually.

Now I feel .....well not sure what I feel. It's like I'm a glass case of emotions. I'll be ecstatically happy and walking on cloud 9. I'll be frustrated. I'll be so sad it's hard to function. I've allowed myself to like this boy so much it's messed me up. That's really what it comes down to. I've never allowed myself to like a boy this much and it scares me shizless. Oi.

I know that I need to stop over thinking and over analyzing things. But it's hard! It's so incredibly hard. I wish that caring for someone didn't make me so vulnerable. I think it would ease my heart's anxiety levels tremendously.

Graduate School

Hello all!

I have the most exciting news to share. My life has changed drastically in the last week and I couldn't be more excited about the change. As you can guess from the title of the post.....

I was accepted into the BYU Master's of Social Work Program!!!!!

That's right I get to go back to school! Last April I had been notified that I had made the waiting list for the program but shouldn't count on being accepted because rarely do people drop out of the program. The news was devastating to me. I think I cried off and on through out the whole day. And then in June I found out that ASU had accepted me into their program to begin this Fall. The acceptance brought relief but no real excitement. I didn't feel right about going down there. And though my decision seemed crazy to some I declined the invitation for this Fall and chose to stay in Provo. I planned to just work another year.

And then last week while at Camp Kesem (which I will tell more about in a future post) I got a voicemail from Dr. Limb, the Dean of the Social Work Program at BYU saying he had something to discuss with me. So I ran to the nearest possible location I could get cell phone service and returned his call...only to get his voicemail.....have him get my voicemail again later....and finally a few hours later I got Dr. Limb on the phone. A girl in the program dropped out last minute and I was next on the waiting list and was invited to begin this Fall. Naturally I accepted the wonderful offer!

I had to wait until Camp to be over so I could go home and check my email to get all the needed stuff done. But here I am, one week to go until my first day of classes, nervous & excited. This morning before work I got my student ID card, registered for my classes, and paid my tuition. Now I just need to get all my books. Walking across campus felt like home to me. Which is funny cause I go on campus all the time for various meetings. But now I don't feel like a visitor or an outsider. I am a student there now. I belong there. And it feels so right.

School is my life. Really it is. This last year away from it has been nice and relaxing I admit. But I missed it greatly. I feel like my real self comes out with the stress and busyness of school. I know I'm going to be stressed out of my mind. I can count on having at least one major break down in tears. But I don't care. I love it. I love school. I love learning. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and count it as a tender mercy from Heavenly Father.

In one week I'll be back in school and in two years I'll graduate with my MSW.

Hoorraayyy!!!

My Friends Are Pretty Much The Best

Last night my girlfriends and I got together for a babyshower for my amazing friend Addie. She is having a baby girl in December. She's also the first of our friends to have a baby so it's kind of really exciting. We played the typical baby shower games & gave the typical adorable baby clothes. It was fun. But what I loved the most was just being with those girls - my friends.

I don't see them very often cause we all have our own lives and do our own things. And also cause they're all married & do all that married stuff you do when you get married. I'm still single. So it's like a once a month if even when I get to see them all. But every time we get together its great. I really like those girls. I enjoy their company. I think they're funny and I like talking to them. Driving home I kept thinking I have awesome friends. They're not phony or shallow. Instead they're smart & caring & I really respect & admire them.

So here I am being all sentimental and such and rambling on. But I felt a need to write and say that I'm grateful for my girlfriends. They're the most amazing people & I hope they have success in everything they do.

Forgetful Thoughts

So having a blog is an interesting thing because now as I go about my daily life and do things my thoughts are often, "that would make a good blog entry" or "I want to blog about that." Which would be cool if I actually wrote about those things that I thought would be good blog entries. Instead I get distracted doing other things and completely forget what I wanted to write about. It's a good thing I didn't go into the profession of journalism. I would be a horrible reporter, missing dead lines left and right. It's a shame really because some of my thoughts were pretty cool...at least I think I remember them being cool. Oh well.