Not So Simple

My friend just pointed out to me that my blog title says Carolina's Simple Thoughts and that my thoughts aren't exactly that simple. They're kind of complicated. I think that's my problem though. I take simple thoughts and concepts and over think them until they are complicated thoughts. At one point they were simple.

Hello Reality

Okay so I know this blog seems to have turned into release of my thoughts on my relationship life. But I just feel a need to share my thoughts with someone but no one in particular at the same time. I just need to let my thoughts out somehow otherwise they'll keep circulating through my mind until I can't handle it anymore.

I've realized something about myself lately. It's come about because of my relationship with my boy in Logan. I'm not as secure a person as I thought I was. I thought I was pretty level headed and not super emotional but turns out I've been lying to myself for years. I've been keeping people at a distance for so long that I made myself really believe I was fine. I'm not though. Things scare me. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of really opening up. I stress out when I don't know what someone is thinking. I don't like it when someone is mad at me. It makes me physically sick. It stresses me out worrying that if I let myself really be I might not be wanted. I don't want to stress out. I want to be fine.

I'll share something. I'll probably regret sharing it later. It's what I do. I say things and do things and regret it later cause it reveals too much about me. Too much about my weaknesses. I pretend too much. Things hurt me and I pretend I'm okay. I pretend I'm stronger than I really am. It's like I'm really trying to make myself believe it. You know, fake it till you make it. And some times it works. Lots of times it doesn't. I do it a lot with my mother. I pretend that I'm okay with my relationship with her. I pretend that her emotional & mental instability doesn't hurt me. It does. I think that's where I started this whole pretending business. I think its why I'm so insecure in relationships. I don't know.

I'm rambling now and don't care. Things are going different with my boy in Logan. You see I keep trying to stop myself from falling for him. But instead I'm finding myself fall deeper & deeper. Which shouldn't be a problem right? Except for the minor detail that he's not falling with me. He found a ledge on the way down and is taking a break. Figuring things out I guess. I understand. I really do. But its unnerving to realize that I'm in this relationship much deeper. It really unnerves me that I might want it more than he does. These things happen all the time in dating. You move on if it doesn't work out. And if it does, bliss. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It's tough.

I'm not depressed now. And I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. I just can't sleep and need to empty my thoughts somewhere. Life will be okay no matter what happens. I know it with all my heart. But this time I'm not going to pretend I'm not struggling. Because I am. I really am.

Confused

Sometimes life confuses me.

I'm not sure what to do next.