The person I want to become.

Yesterday in my marriage & family class we were doing some exercises from Gottman’s marriage counseling techniques. It required a lot of personal exploration and writing. Honestly it made me think about myself deeper than I have in a while.  There were a few different questions we had to ponder over that really stood out to me. I’ll elaborate on just a few for time sake. 

We had to write our own obituary and what we want our legacy to be. Then we had to write what kind of person we want to become, and why we are not that person yet, and what obstacles or demons we fight with, etc. In pondering, I realized that the person I am today is not at all the person I want to be or the legacy I want to leave behind. I have a lot of work to do. I wrote that I want to leave a legacy of continuously hardworking & caring. I don’t think I am there. I also wrote that I want to become the person that does not get caught up in the petty things of life or the material needs of life. I want to be the person that is gracious at all times and in all things and in all places regardless of how I am treated. I want to be the person that is solid and strong in the gospel. The person that people can come to for anything because they know that they are safe from persecution and judgment. I want to be the person that does not get blinded by pride or jealousy or resentment. The person that is always striving to learn something. 

I want to be that person and I am SO far from being that person. Looking at where I am today I feel like I have mountains to climb to get there.

I also had to write a mission statement for my life and I wrote that my mission is to live every day just a little bit better than the day before. I felt like that was realistic. If I improve myself just a little bit every day in some form whether it is through school, gospel, family, work, or service, I will be one step closer to becoming that person I want to be.  I have screwed up a lot in my life. Heck I have screwed up a lot in this last year. But it does not mean I have to stay at where I am now.  I can change. I can be a little bit better than I was yesterday. I think I will still struggle but I can keep on working it as long as I remember it. I guess I’ll have to print off my life mission statement and put it somewhere I can see it every day as a continual reminder.

I went to class expecting to learn how to help couples with struggling marriages and I did. More importantly and surprisingly, I gained insight about myself. I am thankful that I am given these opportunities to learn where and how I can improve. 

Tough Insight

Do you ever have those insightful days about yourself that are kind of hard to take? 

It's one of those days for me. 

Welcome 24

So I had another birthday. I am another year older and I would like to think a little wiser too. I am not announcing this to draw attention to myself or make the few people who follow my blog feel bad if they forgot. I share it because I think its a good time to reflect on my life.

My year as twenty-three was an interesting year for me. I feel like it started off rocky for me. In fact I remember feeling lost & confused on my birthday last year. I was still trying to figure out Grad School and still trying to figure out what my heart really wanted. Then once I figured out what my heart really wanted I couldn't figure out how to get it. It was a slow process but eventually I began to figure it out, and in turn I have learned a lot about myself as a person.

• I have learned that I hate research.
• I have learned that I love to learn but am done with school.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that I love working in a field that I serve people. It's emotionally draining at times but rewarding & fulfilling. 
• I have learned/reaffirmed that the Lord guides us in career pathways if we look for it. 
• I have learned/reaffirmed that I ache for the clients I work with and the struggles they go through.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that my life has been richly blessed.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that Heavenly Father protected me from a lot of sadness.
• I have learned/reaffirmed that my family will always be the most important thing to me in my life. 
• I have learned that my heart is full of so much love for a boy. 
• I have learned that I want to support that boy's dreams & goals as much as my own.
• I have learned that family dynamics are very different for every family & that the initial introducing & phasing in to a new one is a little more complicated than I thought. 
• I have learned that I love Cache Valley.
• I have learned that I have a pride issue and that I can let it get the best of me at times.
• I have learned that I am much more emotional than I thought I was.
• I have learned that I still need to learn a lot about patience.
• I have learned that I still need to learn a lot about charity.
• I have learned that I still have a lot more to learn in life. 

The year started off rocky but it became an emotionally rich & rewarding year. Twenty-three brought me some of the saddest moments I have ever felt/had so far and some of the happiest moments I have ever felt/had so far. I am sure that every year in life I will be able to say that though.  I hope that I remember all those things that I learned and build off of them.

There are a few events that I expect to happen while I am 24 - events that I look eagerly and almost impatiently for. But honestly I do not know what new life experiences will be given to me. I just hope that no matter the experiences given or thrown at me in the next year that I can learn something positive from it.

So welcome 24... I hope you make me a better person.

My Last First Day of School

Today the 2012-2013 school year began...I started my new internship today and my first day of classes are tomorrow. It will be my last first day of school for myself. It is a little weird to think about. Its something that makes me really excited to think that after this year I will never have to go back to school again - but it also just doesn't seem real.  It shouldn't seem that weird to me because I worked for a year in between college and graduate school. But that's just it. I knew I was going back to school eventually and was just taking a break. After this year I won't just be taking a break. I will be done - forever. Weird.

I still feel like a child in some ways. I still feel like I have so much to learn. I still feel like school is the way of life that I'm comfortable with. I am good at school. Its my thing. Give me a bunch of reading to do, papers to write, & tests to take. Piece of cake. Easy Cheesy. I always pull through. But life....well life just looks so big and intimidating. I did my internship at the State Prison and I loved it. I have mentioned it before in previous blogs. That was a real job basically. I did everything the full time staff does except with fewer clients. I did well. But in my head the entire time I knew that I was going back to school. Next time there won't be that thought. How odd.

I am excited for what this last school year brings and more importantly for what life after this school year brings. I believe it will be challenging but so rewarding. It will just take me sometime to fully wrap my mind around the concept. But I know it will be good and that I can succeed in whatever comes.

And so here is to tomorrow. ....... Fist pump in the air!!!!! I'm going to rock my last first day of school!!!!!!!

Sunny California!

So last week I finished my internship at the prison - which was a bittersweet experience. I was so sad to leave and yet I'm so excited for my new internship. Since I don't start my new internship until next week I decided to take advantage of my break to go visit my dad in California. And to make it even better, Matt took time off work to go down with me. :)


We went to City Walk ...Matt wouldn't stand still for a picture unless I was in it with him as can be seen below.

Then we went to Six Flags. Remind me to avoid that park in August. I forget how hot and packed it gets. I think next time I want to go to Disneyland.  

 (Matt never takes a picture without making a face so I gave in & made a face only to have him pose normally. Figures.) 

(After every ride his hair would look like such. hahaha)

We also went to the beach with Aubrey & Erica....

 (Matt thinks I don't know how to put sunscreen on so he likes to assist me.)

 That is Erica and I in the water...not just random people

 Aubrey was in love with the pizza from Zeppy's Pizza at Hermosa Beach. 

I don't actually like this picture but wanted to post it because Matt is wearing his new sunglasses he got for his birthday that day.....He thinks they are the coolest. 

And of course the main reason I went down last week was to see my parents' play. They did a wonderful job. Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of Nita, but I did manage one with my dad wearing tights. Hahaha.

We finished the night strong by eating at Denny's with Jesse & Karla. Matt was kind and shared his free birthday dessert with my brother who was more than happy to consume it. 

The rest of the time was spent chilling at my parents' house and playing with Aubrey's girls when we stopped in Vegas to split up the drive. My nieces chose to inform me that Matt is "sooo much cooler than me." Hahaha I'll live with that I guess.  It was a fairly fast trip and crammed pack but it was much needed. I haven't been down to my dad's place for almost two years now. Way too long. My life is pretty happy and things are going somewhat smoothly. I honestly cannot complain. But there is something about being with family that just rejuvenates and refreshes me. I love it. 

Summer Days

Well it's been a while hasn't it. I've been crazy busy with my internship at the prison and work, and truth be told, simply playing with Matthew. Its been a lot of fun. As usual I forget to take pictures often but I did manage to capture a few over the last few months. 

Shooting at the Ranch 

Brent & Emily's Wedding

 A closer shot of us in case you were wanting one.

Brynlee sporting her good find at Target's dollar selection

(I watched my nieces in Vegas for a week in June)

Fishing at Panguitch Lake with my family. 

The 4th of July - Brog family reunion.

(The day consisted of four-wheeling, tubing down the river, rope swing, loads of drunk rafters/tubers wanting to rope swing, baking hot sun, and lots of food.)

Four-wheeling up Willard's Peak

It was so beautiful!

We took a small break so Matt could make a phone call...he tends to do that often. 

The view was amazing!

These are just a few ways that I've chosen to spend my summer months. It's been so nice to just go to work and play on the weekends. I will admit that I did very little work on my Master's project. And do I regret it? Not a chance. Its been wonderful. I'm sure I'll pay for it when I go back to school in a couple of weeks though. Oh well. 

I am grateful that I could play and spend the summer with people I love. 

Lessons from Prison

I now know what life is like inside Prison and its not because I committed a crime. My summer internship is working as a therapist for the substance abuse recovery program in the women's section of prison. It's only been a few weeks there but so far I have loved it.

Its been interesting to see how people assume a stereotype image for the inmates. Often when I tell people that I'm interning there they ask me if I am scared to work there or if the inmates are scary to work with. Before I started I thought no I don't think it will be scary. And now that I do work there my reply is definitely not scared. People build up these images that inmates are horrible people who shouldn't be treated decent and will hurt you if any possible chance came up. But people are wrong. It is true that the inmates made poor behavioral decisions and some did some pretty horrific things. But that is just it, they did bad things. They themselves are not bad. In the short time that I have worked with these women I have concluded that these women are good women inside - they're just terribly, terribly broken. Some of these women have seen things or had things done to them that no human being should ever have to see or go through. My heart literally aches for some of them and their life stories. As their therapist I have to maintain professionalism and keep boundaries when working with them. I cannot give them hugs or physically touch them and I understand why. And yet, inside my soul I wish I could scoop them in my arms and comfort them and take away their pain. I guess even if I weren't a therapist though I couldn't take away their pain by hugging them. That is something they have to go through with the Lord and themselves. 

The point of all this is that I realize how incredibly blessed I am. My life has had some ups & it has had some downs but overall I have a good life. Correction, I have had a wonderful life. I honestly cannot say where I would be if I had the same life experiences as some of those women have had. Working with them I realize with more surety than ever that I have chosen the right career for my life. It will never bring in a lot of fame, money, or even great respect. That is a life I will never know. But I do know that the feeling I get when helping these women is the most rewarding feeling. It's a feeling like I'm making a difference in some way in this world. Which is funny really because for good therapy to happen I don't change anything in an individual. I merely make suggestions and introduce new ways of thinking and the individual chooses if he/she wants to make a change. However, I can still see a difference by what I'm doing. I see sagging shoulders and downcast eyes enter my office and leave with shoulders back and a glimmer of hope shining in their eyes. Its small and sometimes temporary but its there. And I want to do everything that I can to keep bringing that small change into someone's life. I want to make myself the best that I can be so that I can truly help others become the best that they can be. 

I am blessed and it's time that I fully share my blessings with others. 

A little mushy update.

I got another picture with this boy that I happen to like a lot. It is actually quite a task to do because in the entire year that I've known him I have like four pictures with him. My dad had to take it because I always forget to get my camera out. (Thanks Pops you're the best!)

I realized that I actually met him exactly a year ago. It's been a year of major emotional ups and downs but overall its been a good year. He makes me happy and I'm glad to have had the year with him. Hope the next year gets even better.

My family came into town this last week for General Conference and for a family picture with Grandpa Gehrke. It was difficult to get everyone to smile and keep their eyes open.

Mom and kids

Grandpa needed some assistance in smiling. He claimed his cheeks were tired.

This was a first attempt but the shadows were to bad. We moved locations after this picture.

So pretty much I've been spending time with the two most important things in my life: my family & the boy I love. Life has been kind to me lately.

Nature

I'm thankful for the beauty of nature and just wanted to share it. Because even when everything feels like its too much I can be in nature and feel alright. It calms my troubled soul and reminds me that life is good and I am blessed.

Thank the heavens for nature.

"Love is not looking into each other's eyes; it is looking in the same direction"

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This semesters for one of my electives for my grad program I am taking a class on Marriage & Family Counseling. So far my reading for it has been pretty basic and pretty obvious information. But the quote written above really stood out to me. The interpretation that the authors of my textbook give for that statement is that couples in healthy relationships share a bigger goal or mission in life beyond themselves. And I have to say that I completely agree. I realize that this is a pretty simple concept that is most likely ingrained in most peoples' heads. And some might read this and think "well duh Carolina." I'm not saying this is a new thought to me either.

Honestly though, I think that there our a lot of people that forget this in their relationships. Everything is so romanticized in movies and books. Relationships are made to look so easy. The movies make it seem like love is care-free and simple and based off the initial starry-eye feeling. They make it seem like love is just focusing on the other person. But really there is so much more!

I realize that I have no right to be discussing this topic because I am no expert in the area. I am only just beginning to learn what love is. But I have observed others who are truly in love and have noticed that the couples that appear to be the healthiest and strongest share a bigger goal in life. They share values and beliefs that are much bigger than they are, and they help each other work towards that goal. One isn't going one direction while the other moves another direction. I think that continually helping each other towards that bigger goal or mission in life shows more love for each other than any kiss or words of adoration could ever show. I only wish that more couples in the world thought that too.