Love

I was reading NieNie's Blog and this quote really caught my attention. I love it and so I'm stealing it and putting it on my blog.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Louis De Bernieres

I want to love like this someday.

Things are Good....

Well things are pretty good right now and I am really happy. School is good. Work is good. Family is good. And things with this guy are GREAT!

This is my Logan boy. Turns out I like him kind of a LOT.

We went to Temple Square to look at the Christmas Lights. We both agreed that there are not near as many lighted trees as there once was. But I still love going.

The best part was probably just being with him. Mushy I know. But I like him. Can't help it really, I just do.

My Family

My familiy is pretty unique. We're definitely not the standard Mormon cookie-cutter family. And even though some family members stress me out beyond belief sometimes....I like them. I enjoy being with my family. They make me happy.

This last weekend I flew down to Las Vegas to have a girls weekend with my sisters and stepmother. Turns out they're pretty amazing women. Okay I actually knew that fact before this weekend. But I was reminded how amazing they truly are. I'm proud to be their sister and daughter. It was nice to take a break from my school work to just play and do girl stuff & talk girl chat. I've decided that it's very healthy for girls to just take a break from men and get together every once in awhile. Girls just understand each other on a different level.

I also got to see my Dad and brothers for a short time. I've been missing my dad a lot lately so to finally see him and get that much needed hug from him was so rewarding. There's something about a hug from your dad that makes everything seem okay. That even though he can't take your troubles or stress away, he can hold you in his arms and give you a sense of security. That's what I feel when my dad hugs me. I love his hugs. I love that even though I'm an adult and on my own, I can still cuddle up next to my dad on the couch like a little girl. I love that I'm still his cutie. And I love that I know he loves me without even having to say those words. I'm pretty lucky to have him as my dad.

The weekend with my family was short. Very short. And very little sleep was received. But it was so worth it. Because I got to be with some of my most favorite peopole. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me and supports me so much.

Not So Ideal

I've recently realized something and thought that I would share it. I am not the ideal graduate student. I'm okay with it too. I don't like research all that much; its rather boring. I don't like doing homework until all hours. I don't particularly enjoy having to spend all my time in the library. And I don't have an urging desire to publish my research paper.

It's a good thing I like to learn at least. And I think the end results will be worth it.

Thank goodness my program is only 2 years.

Not So Simple

My friend just pointed out to me that my blog title says Carolina's Simple Thoughts and that my thoughts aren't exactly that simple. They're kind of complicated. I think that's my problem though. I take simple thoughts and concepts and over think them until they are complicated thoughts. At one point they were simple.

Hello Reality

Okay so I know this blog seems to have turned into release of my thoughts on my relationship life. But I just feel a need to share my thoughts with someone but no one in particular at the same time. I just need to let my thoughts out somehow otherwise they'll keep circulating through my mind until I can't handle it anymore.

I've realized something about myself lately. It's come about because of my relationship with my boy in Logan. I'm not as secure a person as I thought I was. I thought I was pretty level headed and not super emotional but turns out I've been lying to myself for years. I've been keeping people at a distance for so long that I made myself really believe I was fine. I'm not though. Things scare me. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of really opening up. I stress out when I don't know what someone is thinking. I don't like it when someone is mad at me. It makes me physically sick. It stresses me out worrying that if I let myself really be I might not be wanted. I don't want to stress out. I want to be fine.

I'll share something. I'll probably regret sharing it later. It's what I do. I say things and do things and regret it later cause it reveals too much about me. Too much about my weaknesses. I pretend too much. Things hurt me and I pretend I'm okay. I pretend I'm stronger than I really am. It's like I'm really trying to make myself believe it. You know, fake it till you make it. And some times it works. Lots of times it doesn't. I do it a lot with my mother. I pretend that I'm okay with my relationship with her. I pretend that her emotional & mental instability doesn't hurt me. It does. I think that's where I started this whole pretending business. I think its why I'm so insecure in relationships. I don't know.

I'm rambling now and don't care. Things are going different with my boy in Logan. You see I keep trying to stop myself from falling for him. But instead I'm finding myself fall deeper & deeper. Which shouldn't be a problem right? Except for the minor detail that he's not falling with me. He found a ledge on the way down and is taking a break. Figuring things out I guess. I understand. I really do. But its unnerving to realize that I'm in this relationship much deeper. It really unnerves me that I might want it more than he does. These things happen all the time in dating. You move on if it doesn't work out. And if it does, bliss. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with it. It's tough.

I'm not depressed now. And I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. I just can't sleep and need to empty my thoughts somewhere. Life will be okay no matter what happens. I know it with all my heart. But this time I'm not going to pretend I'm not struggling. Because I am. I really am.

Confused

Sometimes life confuses me.

I'm not sure what to do next.

Daydreaming

I've been daydreaming about something a lot lately. Probably too much for my own good. It's not unrealistic. In fact there is a high possibility and very good chance it will happen. Not positive. I think that I would be quite happy if it did happen. Quite happy indeed. But it will be a long time away. Long time. Sometimes that happens you know. Things delay us. And trying to see the final results or ending can get fuzzy. Real fuzzy. Confusing too. And sometimes those same things look really good. So good and welcoming that I think that I will just keep on daydreaming.

Life is good.

Life is good. It's tough, but good.

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of adversity and anxiety. I think I am to blame for some of it. I tend to over think things & worry about things too much. Especially if I don't have control of the situation. Every once and a while I get in these bummed out moods and I just feel overwhelmed with despair. It hits me randomly and hard. And I usually push it aside and just try to get through my daily functions. Not good.

But then I realized or rather remembered something important. I have a good life. An amazing life actually. I'm incredibly blessed. And when I get in those sad moods its because I'm not focusing on the right thing. I'm focusing too much on myself and what I want & what I need, or what I think I need. I loose focus of others. Once I start to focus on others and help them instead I feel my mood pick up. I've been taught this principle all my life. Loose yourself and serve others. It's so simple. And yet I forget it so often. Only after I stop focusing & dwelling so much on myself and instead help someone else, does all my anxiety go away.

And so I am reminded that life is good.

September Bliss

I LOVE this month! I love SEPTEMBER!!

This morning was just normal routine for me and then I realized it was the first day of September. Yay! It's my favorite month of the year.

Why? Let me tell you.

1st - Obviously the fact that my birthday is this month has a strong bias.
2nd- School is in session again (I enjoy school).
3rd - It marks the beginning of Fall & the leaves begin to change color slowly.
4th - College football is back.
5th- Crisp Air starts to settle in & reintroduces all the lovely sweaters to my wardrobe.
6th - Nice temperatures to go running.


Those pretty much cover it. I think they're good enough reasons to love September. And though I may sound crazy, I believe something in the air changes in September. Almost in a calming sort of way. Like the earth is saying to me "just relax Carolina."

So there you have it. I love this month! It's my favorite time of year!
I wish everyone a happy & blissful September.

My Heart's Anxiety

I don't like being vulnerable. It makes me uncomfortable.

I'm in a relationship right now. I've never been this serious with anyone before. Turns out it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean he's great and I love being with him. But we have two very busy and separate lives. I'm starting my Master's program in Provo. He's going to school in Logan. Figuring things out and making things work is stressful.

Usually I don't let guys effect me so much. Usually I have control over my emotions. Usually I am super independent and could go days just doing my own thing and not care. Usually.

Now I feel .....well not sure what I feel. It's like I'm a glass case of emotions. I'll be ecstatically happy and walking on cloud 9. I'll be frustrated. I'll be so sad it's hard to function. I've allowed myself to like this boy so much it's messed me up. That's really what it comes down to. I've never allowed myself to like a boy this much and it scares me shizless. Oi.

I know that I need to stop over thinking and over analyzing things. But it's hard! It's so incredibly hard. I wish that caring for someone didn't make me so vulnerable. I think it would ease my heart's anxiety levels tremendously.

Graduate School

Hello all!

I have the most exciting news to share. My life has changed drastically in the last week and I couldn't be more excited about the change. As you can guess from the title of the post.....

I was accepted into the BYU Master's of Social Work Program!!!!!

That's right I get to go back to school! Last April I had been notified that I had made the waiting list for the program but shouldn't count on being accepted because rarely do people drop out of the program. The news was devastating to me. I think I cried off and on through out the whole day. And then in June I found out that ASU had accepted me into their program to begin this Fall. The acceptance brought relief but no real excitement. I didn't feel right about going down there. And though my decision seemed crazy to some I declined the invitation for this Fall and chose to stay in Provo. I planned to just work another year.

And then last week while at Camp Kesem (which I will tell more about in a future post) I got a voicemail from Dr. Limb, the Dean of the Social Work Program at BYU saying he had something to discuss with me. So I ran to the nearest possible location I could get cell phone service and returned his call...only to get his voicemail.....have him get my voicemail again later....and finally a few hours later I got Dr. Limb on the phone. A girl in the program dropped out last minute and I was next on the waiting list and was invited to begin this Fall. Naturally I accepted the wonderful offer!

I had to wait until Camp to be over so I could go home and check my email to get all the needed stuff done. But here I am, one week to go until my first day of classes, nervous & excited. This morning before work I got my student ID card, registered for my classes, and paid my tuition. Now I just need to get all my books. Walking across campus felt like home to me. Which is funny cause I go on campus all the time for various meetings. But now I don't feel like a visitor or an outsider. I am a student there now. I belong there. And it feels so right.

School is my life. Really it is. This last year away from it has been nice and relaxing I admit. But I missed it greatly. I feel like my real self comes out with the stress and busyness of school. I know I'm going to be stressed out of my mind. I can count on having at least one major break down in tears. But I don't care. I love it. I love school. I love learning. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and count it as a tender mercy from Heavenly Father.

In one week I'll be back in school and in two years I'll graduate with my MSW.

Hoorraayyy!!!

My Friends Are Pretty Much The Best

Last night my girlfriends and I got together for a babyshower for my amazing friend Addie. She is having a baby girl in December. She's also the first of our friends to have a baby so it's kind of really exciting. We played the typical baby shower games & gave the typical adorable baby clothes. It was fun. But what I loved the most was just being with those girls - my friends.

I don't see them very often cause we all have our own lives and do our own things. And also cause they're all married & do all that married stuff you do when you get married. I'm still single. So it's like a once a month if even when I get to see them all. But every time we get together its great. I really like those girls. I enjoy their company. I think they're funny and I like talking to them. Driving home I kept thinking I have awesome friends. They're not phony or shallow. Instead they're smart & caring & I really respect & admire them.

So here I am being all sentimental and such and rambling on. But I felt a need to write and say that I'm grateful for my girlfriends. They're the most amazing people & I hope they have success in everything they do.

Forgetful Thoughts

So having a blog is an interesting thing because now as I go about my daily life and do things my thoughts are often, "that would make a good blog entry" or "I want to blog about that." Which would be cool if I actually wrote about those things that I thought would be good blog entries. Instead I get distracted doing other things and completely forget what I wanted to write about. It's a good thing I didn't go into the profession of journalism. I would be a horrible reporter, missing dead lines left and right. It's a shame really because some of my thoughts were pretty cool...at least I think I remember them being cool. Oh well.

Running Towards A Goal

So I signed up for my first half marathon today. Hopefully I don't regret it. I don't think I will though. I've been a fairly consistent runner for a while now but usually my runs are like 3.5 to 4 mile runs. Occasionally I throw in a 6 or 8 mile run for kicks & giggles. So the jump to 13.1 miles is kind of a big jump for me. So why did I decide to make the big jump then? Well it's a combination of reasons really:

• First - I've been wanting to do one for a while & told myself at the New Year that this would be the year.



• Second - My new roommate is doing the same marathon & invited me to do it with her.
  


• Third - I am now attempting running early in the morning with my amazing friend, Addie.
  


• Fourth - I volunteered at the Iron Man competition down in St. George this weekend and was inspired. But only partially inspired because I know I will never be nuts enough to do an Iron Man race.
  


• Fifth - I've been on this kick the last few days of telling myself that I can do great things and accomplish awesome things. (And yes I'm admitting that I talk to myself as though I were my own personal life coach.)
  

So there you go. That is why I signed up to run a half marathon. Luckily it isn't until the end of August so I have plenty of time to prepare. I should be fine.

Top of Utah Half Marathon here I come!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Well I didn't get what I wanted. And I wanted it really bad. For months I've been trying to prep myself for this outcome, but it didn't matter. All the self talk & mental preparations didn't ease the blow. Because truthfully I felt good about it. I honestly believed in my gut that I was going to get in. I thought it would fall into place for me & that I would get what I wanted.

So now, I'm feeling pretty down. I'm trying to stay positive. Things will work out. Obviously the Lord has a different plan for me than what I wanted. He knows what I need is more important than what I want. The only problem is that I am having a hard time getting in tuned with His plan. It would be nice if I could know it cause I'm struggling now.

General Conference

This weekend was General Conference. And I loved every minute of it! As a kid I would watch conference with my mom & I would like a talk here or there, but most of the time I would get distracted. Now that I'm older I've found a deeper appreciation for these two days, every six months. The messages shared by the inspired leaders bring such peace & comfort to me. I would find things in each message that would be applicable to me and my life. It was amazing. I am so grateful to be a part of this church & gospel. I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And I am so grateful that I could spend the last two days hearing the Lord's council and encouragement through those spiritual leaders of the church.

If you didn't get a chance to hear the talks yet its okay cause I've provided a link for you to do so at your leisure. Enjoy! http://lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2011/04?lang=eng

Water Explosion

Well I just had a very embarrassing experience at work. First I'll mention that we bring our own water bottles from home to work because there is no drinking fountain and the bathroom water is not that appealing. My boss would say the water taste like toilet water. As to how he knows what toilet water taste like I am not quite sure. So I bought a 72 ounce water bottle that looks like a mini water cooler jug. Let's just say that is a LOT of water. I'm trying to be healthy. So I'm sitting here working and think I need to drink some water. Boy do I regret that decision. One moment I'm enjoying a refreshing drink & then CRACK...... water is suddenly gushing out all over me. I didn't even have time to react as all 72 ounces of water drenched my body and poured on to the floor. I was in complete shock. Apparently when I squoze it to make the water come out I had done so with too much force in one spot. Causing one giant crack in the bottom of bottle and a pool of water at my feet.

As odd as it sounds, I keep a blanket at work (that's another story) so I used that to soak up all the water. My clothes are pretty wet & I should probably go home & change but don't want to. Way too much effort. So I'll just sit at my desk & let the sun shining through the window dry me up. Thankfully it didn't get on my keyboard or computer. Welp, if I wasn't awake before, I sure am now.

Phone Call

Today my good friend Mr. Briggs gave me a call. This pleased me immensely. I haven't talked to him in awhile cause he is in Washington and I am not. He called to tell me he is coming to Utah on Friday for a whole week. One whole week! I may or may not be totally excited. He'll be doing the whole family thing a lot, but still. Mr. Briggs & I are freshmen friends from college. I love doing stuff with him because he is so chill. Possibly one of the most chill guys I know. But not in a bad, lazy chill kind of way. But in a good way. Everyone should be friends with him really. So yeah he is coming & I can't wait!

It was a Great Season

Even though the Cougars were defeated last night I would still like to tip my hat off to them. They made it to the Sweet 16 for the first time in 30 years! That's awesome! And though I'm sad they aren't progressing to the next round, I'm glad that I could see them go this far. It's been fun watching them. I will admit that I'm sad that Jimmer is leaving though. The kid is simply amazing! The shots that he make are indescribable. Last night I had a dream that he came over and had dinner with my family and me. Best dream ever! If only the dream was reality. It will be fun to see what he does when he goes Pro. Good luck Jimmer wherever you go next year & for the rest of the Cougar team......I'll see you again next season.

Lava Monster

Today while I was volunteering at the Crisis Nursery I played lava monster with the kids for like two hours. Might seem boring to some, but oh my goodness I had a BLAST. I was running around chasing half a dozen kids, climbing playground equipment, going down the slides, & sometimes chased in return by the half a dozen kids. I seriously loved it! Little kids are so fun. You don't need to impress them. They don't care. All they want is someone to play with them & give them a little positive attention. That's all you have to do to win them over & they love you. Too bad it's not that easy with adults. Life would be way more entertaining if all you had to do to become friends with someone would be to chase them around & go down the slides a few times with them. But now that I am visualizing that in my head I am getting real awkward scenarios that would occur. So maybe playing tag with another adult is a poor idea.....

Anyways, I had a blast just playing with the kids & reverting back to my child like ways temporarily. I think that everybody should try doing it every once in a while. It's a good way to spend time & remind you that life doesn't have to be as stressful as we adults like to make it be.

Thanks Friend...

Tonight I missed a dear friend of mine. I missed his companionship and the good times we had together. I missed how he listened quietly while I rambled on about my random & nonsensical thoughts. I missed how he laughed at his own jokes even though they were not funny. And most importantly, I missed being his friend.

You see this friend of mine, was once more than just a friend. We dated a couple summers ago. And it was a lot of fun. Some of the dates we went on are still the best dates that I’ve ever been on. He took me kayaking down the river, fishing on kayaks, bike riding in the canyon, & star gazing during a meteor shower. I had a blast with him. My love for the outdoors & adventure were equally shared with him. Those were good days.

The problem though was that I realized that he cared about me more than I cared about him. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. And so I ended it. He understood. I went back to school for my last year & returned. I thought that after a year he would have moved on & that we could be friends. But I was wrong. I had to let him down again. And now we only live a mile away from each other but have not seen or talked to each other in months. It’s kind of sad.

Because the truth is, he was a good friend – a great friend actually. And though I do not wish to date him again. Nor do I regret breaking up with him. I wish that we could be friends again. I wish that we could still go on our adventures or that I could tell him about my silly thoughts. I can’t though because things are different. It’s too awkward now between us. So I guess I will just settle with saying how grateful I am to have had such a great friend. And though I miss being his friend, I hope that he is happy & has found someone else with whom he can be that same great friend with.

An Adventurous Girl

When I was kid I was so adventurous & bold. If I wanted to do something I usually made it happen. Or at least did my best attempt at making it happen. Shyness wasn't really a huge issue for me either. My older brother always jokes that when I met a new person I would be shy for about two seconds and then suddenly be best friends with the person. Probably an early sign of my interest in people. But the point is that I didn't let things scare me enough to stop me. If I liked a boy in my class I told him point blank. If I wanted to ride a razor scooter down the steepest hill in my city without a helmet I did. I climbed the tallest trees I could find. I roamed through the neighborhoods exploring for treasures. I talked to strangers on the city bus. I found people to play with. I had no inhibitions.

That was when I was kid.

Something changed over the years for me. I'm not as bold or fearless as I once was. I still feel comfortable talking to strangers and I still like going on outdoor adventures. I still like learning new things. But now if I like someone the very thought of admitting it makes me tense. Sometimes when thrown into new situations I experience a slight panic before I can calm myself down. And driving in any foreign or unfamiliar place stresses me out hardcore.

So I have to wonder, what changed?

What in my life made me second guess myself? Was it just a part of growing up? Did I learn it from others? These are questions that have occupied my mind the last few days. I'm not saying that I don't like who I am. Because I do like myself. I like who I am & where I am in life. But I do want to re find that adventurous, bold, & fearless little girl that I once was. I think she would add more enjoyment to my life. I see glimpses of her occasionally. And I've got to say that life is definitely more spontaneous & fun when she returns. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that for a point in time I didn't let things stop me or scare me. I want to be like that again.

The Butterflies

Today was a day of butterflies for me. You know, the feeling you get in your stomach when something scary or exciting is about to happen.It's a fluttery & somewhat anxious feeling. What's interesting is that I don't know what that scary or exciting thing is. I really don't. Nothing that I'm aware of is going to happen to me or change in the next day or so. I'm not even stressing about life or if I get accepted to my Grad Program. In fact I feel completely at peace with my life right now. And yet that anxious feeling has chosen to reside with me all day. I couldn't shake it. I wonder if I'm missing something. Am I forgetting something? Maybe I need to do something? It seriously bothers me that I cannot figure it out. Shouldn't I only experience the anxious feeling if there's something worth being anxious over? Or at least be aware of what I feel anxious about? Seems like a fair thing to want. I wonder if this butterfly feeling for no reason is common for other people too or if I am one of the few who experience it. Hmmm. I guess I just need to deal with it and maybe I'll be enlightened eventually on to why I feel so anxious. It would be nice to know.

Why Hello...

Well I've done it. I finally started my own blog. My co-worker has been telling me for months that I should start one. I resisted for quite a while. I reasoned that I already have a journal that I write regularly in & couldn't see the need of a blog as well. And then I wondered what I would even write about. I have no words of wisdoms. No witty stories to tell. All I have are my random & simple thoughts. But over the last six months or so I have become a blog addict. I read & follow a lot of blogs. I literally cannot get enough of them. And after reading numerous blog entries I've come to realize that it's okay if I don't have anything profound to write. I just want to write my thoughts down & share it with whoever. So hello blogging world, I'm here to share my thoughts.